Quick Rx for Interactions with Quick-to-Cancel or High Conflict Personalities
Many people can be quick to cut/cancel/split over problems. The good news is you can gain cooperation by slowing to step out a process that resolves issues and makes a difference.
Society has lots of problems. Most of them are not personal.
The bad news? A lot of people take problems personally. That is bound to create a zen distortion that makes climbing over dysfunction time consuming, painful and effortful.
THE REAL PROBLEM
When someone takes a problem or frustration personally it makes it difficult to resolve the issue because it divides the conflict area into an ‘us or them’, ‘you or me’ frame. Defenses fly up. Personalities can go from zero to ape-crazy in no time.
NEW OBJECTIVES
The new objective for functioning in the day-to-day should not be adopt all battles to conquer in a land of harshly divided egos. It should be to get to the bottom of what the problem is, what one person needs or wants and is there really a conflict about how to meet that need. The problem has no allegiances. The problem is an object challenge to be solved in most cases. The person your dealing with may have a different idea about this.
Most people are not problems. They are people who have methods that don’t work or create more problems than they solve. The real objective is to ‘solve’ the problem, not the person.
A person is not a problem. A person is a person. People will present you with problems. Problems can be solved.
METHODS
Buy time by slowing things down and break to prioritize action. Sometimes people will present you with a problem. The problem cannot be addressed or solved in the time that you have. Few daily frustrations and problems qualify as actual bonafide time-sensitive emergencies. Not all problems are as urgent or as important, but they are still problems to solve. You need to prioritize problems.
Some problems are solved by avoiding them, but that is not a holistic strategy for dealing with all problems. A broad variety of problems can be solved with cooperation, right timing and with fact-finding.
Assess the source of the problem. For instance, let’s say a management team is repeatedly deceptive about the sanitation of a public area with high use. It’s so markedly derelict health authorities have been there already to provide notice to the establishment, along with a cascade of public 1 star reviews posted online. If they did not post public notice of closure provided by the City, they are being deceptive. They have been especially deceptive if the public area is and remains in poor sanitary condition, despite notice and public health authority visits. The problem is one of public deception in addition to negligence of public health requirements. To solve it requires public enforcement address of the regulatory rules applicable to the public area. That’s a process. Most organized processes start with what is a real priority.
Confronted with emotions? Deal with those first. Communication gets confusing fast. What are you saying? What comes first? How do I listen to someone angry? I’m having a feeling!! Do I punish this person? Is that my role?
People will have feelings during a conversation (duh!). If you place your own language in a nonviolent order, the other person is frequently disarmed, okay and no bombs are forthcoming. They might listen and convey important useful information to solve problems. For this, you need a primer in nonviolent communication (NVC). Information solves problems. That is why communicating nonviolently solves problems fast.
Problems take time to solve and resolve. Be reasonably patient. Use the short term to build on the long term. You may win the battle and lose the war if you fight. You can put emphasis on understanding the needs behind the problem. If someone is lying to you in the short term because they are afraid of losing their job in the long term, you have to confront the issue. You need to know what is true so you don’t fall into disarray or needlessly deceive someone else, jeopardizing their time and safety. You lead with how you feel about it and what you really need. Then you make a good faith request from them to ask for a more truthful outcome. Let them do their part. Work the problem together. Some of it is you. Some of it is them. Most of it is the problem’s problem of being a problem to solve.
Finally, demand your day in court. Most people can handle a civil, in-person or over the phone confrontation. If things have been brewing and you need to solve problems carve out a time to talk. Most people feel better addressing a problem rather than pretending it’s not there.
There are people who feel so badly about an issue they would prefer to ghost you, icing you with zero explanation than give you the 'why’. It’s not simple for them.
It is not good or even-handed behavior. If the indictment is SO big and SO awful and SO devastating - why can’t you know what went wrong? If other things in this persons world function, why can’t this be proportionate to what happened? It may not be easy, but either way you need to honor boundaries. For some people, the confrontation is worse than the bedeviled deed. So, literally, give up The Ghost.
So this is the time-efficient way of dealing with high conflict personalities and some of the problems that come with them. Think of it as an addition to your emotional first-aid kit for dealing with categories of difficult people in necessary relationships: in-laws, co-workers, neighbors and people who work for the government.